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Abomination Foundry: Making the Next Generation of Marvel
EXCELSIOR TRUE BELIEVERS, GUESS WHO’S MAKING THIS A THING?! Yes true believers, I have been contacted by the shadow president of Marvel John Marvel to re-design characters for the new generation, after things are inevitably ruined by the Captain Nazi Incident, using their finest character creators! Now some may say that they have plenty of cool new characters and this is yet another sign of the scattershot incompetence that provoked @spacetwinks‘ essay “Shut The Fuck Up, Marvel” but I say nay to that, what even is a Kamala Khan I tell you! Follow me after the break! Prince Sexwing First off we started with the most marketablebroad-ranging property at the moment, The Guardians of the Galaxy Character Creator! Firstly, we wanted to make a male sex symbol for this generation! And given that this generation is made up of monsterfuckers, we decided to make him fucked up and as naked as humanly possible! Meet Prince Sexwing! He has no superpowers and no real skills! But damn does he look good n charming! And isn’t that the real superpower all along? …No, no it isn’t. He’s still the leader of the presumable team we’re going to have these chumps on. Liege Destronicus III And now we have Liege Destronius III, who should probably be a villain by all rights, but darnit that isn’t going to stop her! She kicks people really hard with super-boots! With the Power Cosmic presumably, because I presume we can use that now that we got Fantastic Four back. Chitin Baby And finally, we just threw our most popular characters in whatever John Sublime was made out of until it became Chitin Baby! Nobody knows what her deal is, she’s got a bodysuit that works like Groot’s growing-y stuff but slimy and Geiger-y-ly gross. She probably stole that suit from some jerks. Arach-Ninji Then, we started with all two of the other Marvel character makers! Because the third; more versatile one lead to the void of Earth-404! Firstly, we decided to go with a revamped member of the Spider Family, Arach-Ninji! We made her a cyborg murder-ninja to appeal to the youth and made her blue and orange to appeal to what marketing says is the maximum appealing color scheme, with a small tribute to the original design nowhere anyone will care about! She’s a literally-killer super-soldier on the run from the organization who created her with kung-fu cyborg moves and nano-garrotte wire she calls “webs”! She may look like she has absolutely nothing to do with Spider Man, but marketing says you all won’t care much, and they have to be right! They have charts! Iron Pink To work with a female demographic, we took an Iron Gal and made her pink! She’s called Iron Pink! But fear not for our diversity branding, we took haphasard measures at seeming like we’re not as condescendingly sexist by coloring some of the bulkier parts green! Because the best compromises are when you give almost nothing away! And, to be hip with the kids, we decided to make a superhero who is totally Vaporwave! Unfortunately, we don’t really know what Vaporwave is. This Guy So we now have This Guy! He has the power to manipulate irony, which when you have as many characterization/continuity-wrecking events as Marvel does, is a great power indeed! He’s a member of the Spider Family due to the unfathomable levels of irony being adjacent to One More Day brings! Composthulk And what would a Disney-owned property be without synergy? And thanks to the fact that Disney didn’t have any Star Wars makers, I decided to go with the next best thing! Hero Mashers, the Hasbro App! Which literally Crashed on me! Repeatedly! And the loading screen literally tried to get me to buy something first thing I saw! And there were only two characters to mix and match! So, I present to the world, Composthulk, who may not look like much, but is a working man’s hero, for those who don’t have the time for fancy “microtransactions” and only have the gumption to work with Groot and Hulk, and who throws garbage apps in the trash as soon as he’s done dealing with their bullshit! X-Girl Dollmaker And finally here at the house of ideas, we have a policy of stealing the credit for other people’s best ideas, as the angry staring ghost of Jack Kirby who keeps looking at me through the window can guess! So, thusly, here is the X-Girl Dollmaker. We’ve decided to stealappropriate the X-Girls monicker from this dollmaker after realizing nobody gives a shit about the Inhumans! And, thusly free of any legal ties to francises we don’t earn a dime from (SUCK IT FOX!), we’ve decided to make a character combining the character traits of all the best characters we cannot use: She has Wolverine’s adamantine claws, Deadpool’s color scheme; cancer-healing factor and Marketable Zaniness, Magneto’s hat and extremism in the face of a hateful world, Emma Frost’s sexy, and Cable’s gun; crippling metal-body-disease and slapdash combination of elements from better characters with little cohesiveness! She’s revamped for the 90s and sure to be marketing’s darling! And that is that, for- Wait, hold on getting a call. Oh hello John Marvel. What? I’m being fired? What do you mean “too many girls”?! What do you mean “Banished to Earth-404″?! What do you mean “impending Marvel Comic Universe destruction”?! In Conclusion …Well True Believers, it looks like your favorite pal is being banished to the nether-void of Earth-404 as far as the Marvel-verse goes. Apparently this is the gift of release from the slow burning entropy of the death of the Marvel comics multiverse via bad decisions like this. Tune in another time to see how I rebuild this universe from the gnawing void away from the pursuing doom of worlds! Because you demanded it! Actual Author Stuff As per usual, the specific assets belong to their creators, but the basic design concepts/designs; with these as starting points; are free to use as long as I; Thomas F. Johnson, am credited as their creator. And if you’d like to support me in making this stuff, check out my Patreon or my Ko-Fi! Every dollar counts! Category:Abomination foundry